Library Perverts

So today I asked Mr. Phillips why he chose me to be his apprentice even though I don't have an MLS. I should have known such a question would set him off.

"That is precisely why I chose you, young man," he said, "because you haven't had your mind warped by library school and the perverse doctrines that it teaches."

I couldn't help asking. "Perverse?"

"Yes, perverse! They call it Library Science! Science! Librarianship, my boy, is not a science! It is an art! That's right. The librarian is an artist, and the library his work of art. A library is one of the most complex and intricate works of art that man is capable of creating. It consists of a building or room, true, and shelves, but these are the mere frame for the painting, which consists of the books. The librarian chooses which books to include, and combines them into a harmonious whole, a veritable symphony of knowledge!"

Interesting notion, I had to admit. When I was growing up I had never thought of my local public library as a work of art. I had also never thought of the old lady who checked out my books to me as an artist. Then again, I had never thought of her as a scientist either.

"But what is even more perverse than the heresy of Library Science," continued Mr. Phillips, in full tirade mode, "is the blasphemy of Information Science! Information! To think," he protested, "that libraries can be reduced to information! It boggles the mind!"

I was afraid to confess that it wasn't perfectly obvious to me what the problem was with saying that libraries were about information, but Mr. Phillips saw the questioning look on my face.

"Really!" he said, indignant. "What kind of philistines run these schools today, to insist that libraries serve no higher purpose than the dissemination of facts and information?" [He said the word with palpable distaste.] "Libraries, young man, are about knowledge! Knowledge is not something you can 'Google'--if it were, we'd all be geniuses by now, wouldn't we?--no, it's something that you earn through hard work and diligent research, and above all, intensive reading and thought!"

I nodded. Walter J. Phillips is a rather intimidating man, and someone in my position does well to nod frequently and keep silence. Besides, I know next to nothing about librarianship, and Mr. Phillips is highly reputable in the field, if controversial. Later in the afternoon, while shelving periodicals (I'm still officially a shelver), I looked up the October 2003 issue of Libraries Today, which one of my coworkers had shown me when I first started. Mr. Phillips is featured on the cover of that issue, an authoritative scowl on his face. The caption reads, THE DOUGLAS ARTHUR FOUNDATION'S WALTER J. PHILLIPS: CONTRARIAN LIBRARIAN.

Boy, I thought. They sure got that right.