Friday, August 29, 2008

Class War, Part 1: Here Come the Robots

Saturday was the big day: Class War III, the classification system contest. The contestants took turns giving a brief presentation/explanation of their system. The first one was some bushy-haired, bearded, bespectacled guy named Mark with a laptop.

"My system is called ClassBot 2.0, based on the prototype ClassBot 1.0 that I presented last year," Mark said. "It is essentially an artificial intelligence program that not only classifies objects according to preprogrammed criteria, but also learns as it goes and further develops the classification system on its own. So ClassBot is essentially the world's first robot librarian."

Mark proceeded to demonstrate ClassBot's artificial intelligence. His computer screen was projected onto a large white pull-down screen so that the audience could see what was happening. He started by opening the program. A cutesy-looking robot face appeared and said, "Hello, I'm Classy! What can I classify for you today?"

"Hello, Classy," said Mark. "I'm going to ask the audience for a suggestion." He then asked us to suggest a classic book, one that would be old enough (i.e., out of copyright) to be likely to be found online. Someone suggested The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin, and Mark repeated this to Classy the robot.

After a pause, the robot said, "Let me make sure I heard you right. Did you say, Theoragen Of Speeches?" (The robot's speech was also presented in text at the bottom of the screen.)

The audience chuckled in amusement, Mark more nervously. "No."

Another pause. Then, "Okay, let's try again. Please repeat what you would like me to classify for you today!" (The robot, besides being annoyingly cute, spoke in an irritatingly chipper tone.)

Mark tried again, speaking more slowly. "The.. Origin... of... Spe-cies."

Pause. "Let me make sure I heard you right. Did you say, The Origin of Speeches?"

"No," said Mark, evidently trying to hide his embarrassment with a bemused smile.

Pause. "Okay, let's try again. Please repeat what you would like me to classify for you today!"

Mark stated the title a third time, speaking even more slowly and loudly than before. He practically yelled: "The... Or-i-gin... of... Speee-sheeez."

Pause. "Let me make sure I heard you right. Did you say, The Origin of Species?"

Mark heaved a sigh of relief/frustration. "Yes!"

"Okay! Give me a moment while I classify The Origin of Species!"

The audience waited. And waited. Mark explained that Classy was conducting an Internet search for information on The Origin of Species, after which it would run an algorithm by which it would determine how to classify the work. Finally Classy had completed its task.

"Okay! I have successfully classified The Origin of Species! Would you like to know the results now?"

"Yes."

"Okay! The Origin of Species is classified as: Variation. Domestic. Selection. Struggle for Existence. Difficulties. Imperfection. Recapitulation and Conclusion."

The audience members just looked at one another, puzzled expressions all around. A few people giggled.

Mark said, "Uh... obviously there are still a few bugs that need to be worked out... but the basic system is there."

Classy chirped in with, "Have I served your classification needs successfully today?"

Mark said quietly, "No."

Pause. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you! Have I served your classification--"

"No!" Mark turned to the audience and chuckled. "I don't mean to sound harsh to Classy here, it's just that he only understands simple 'yes' or 'no' answers to questions."

Ivan Large shook his head. "So much for artificial intelligence," he said to me.

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