Class War, Part 2: Perfection Revealed

The second presenter was a long-haired woman named Julie wearing an inordinate amount of bracelets. "I'm here to speak to you today," she intoned in a high, airy voice, "of the Harmonic Synchronicity System. I prefer not to use the term 'classification' because it implies a hierarchical order that embodies privilege and prejudice. A classification system is exclusive, whereas my system is inclusive; it is bound by logic, whereas mine is guided by intuition; it is rigidly structured, whereas mine is organic and free. On my Website, anyone can contribute to the Harmonic Synchronicity System by adding intuitive tags to items and linking items together according to his or her innermost feelings. No ideas will be rejected; all ideas will be welcomed and considered of equal value and validity. Through this welcoming, truly democratic system, a great harmony will be achieved and result in an awakening to potential and possibility."

"I couldn't understand a darn thing she was saying," said Ivan Large. He swooshed his hand over his dome. "Right on over it."

The third presenter was Mr. Phillips. "I am here today," he announced importantly, "to present the Greater Perfect System of Library Classification. That's GPS-LC for short, or just GPS, if you prefer. The Greater Perfect System represents a radical evolutionary step beyond the so-called Perfect System that I presented last year, and which I now call the Lesser Perfect System. I am having a handout passed out that shows a simplified diagram of the system."

A few conference volunteers moved down the center aisle, handing each row a stack of papers (for each attendee to keep one copy and pass the rest to the next person). The paper handouts were necessary, of course, because Mr. Phillips refused to touch a computer. I don't know how much money he spent on photocopies.

I looked at my copy of the diagram. It was actually the first time I had seen the overall structure of the system to which I had supposedly been contributing for the last three months.

My jaw dropped.

Here, in simplified form, is Mr. Phillips' idea of the perfect classification system:

Class A: Things that exist.
Class B: Things that do not exist.
Class C: Things that are large.
Class D: Things that are small.
Class E: Things that are visible.
Class F: Things that are invisible.
Class G: Things that are red.
Class H: General information.
Class I: Theories of Walter J. Phillips.
Class J: Books about horses.
Class K: Things that are simple.
Class L: Things that are complex.
Class M: Things that are Chinese.
Class N: Books written by Democrats.
Class O: Books written by Republicans.
Class P: Books written by Bolsheviks.
Class Q: Books written by the Chinese.
Class R: Fairy tales.
Class S: Things that are certain.
Class T: Things that are uncertain.
Class U: Things that matter.
Class V: Things that do not matter.
Class W: Things that are known.
Class X: Things that are unknown.
Class Y: Things that make sense.
Class Z: Things that do not make sense.

"I don't get it," said Ivan Large.

No further comment is necessary.